Well I had a long talk to Mom today over MSN which is very strange ( to talk to your mother on MSN ) We talked about my riding coach. This weekend I had enough of the way she treats me. I've decided to post out conversation here.
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
Hey there
Kathleen says:
hello ha - how are you today?
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
I'm good.
Kathleen says:
I just sent an email - you probably didn't get it yet - grandma called last night she was worried about you
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
I'm writing a short story for the CBC writing contest. First prize is $6000 and second is $4000..I'll email it to you
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
oh, I got your email already
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
yeah, Mrs.Laf was really mean.
Kathleen says:
wow - how exciting - be sure to let grandpa proof read it - even if you don't use his corrections - he is still really good at writing - knows his grammar
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
I would even consider only doing Dressage and specializing in it. Because it is really easy to find a good dressage coach
Kathleen says:
she can be mean - but she is also a good coach even if there are problems with her - she can take you along a way and then get you ready for better caoches
Kathleen says:
I'm going to take a phone call
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
yeah but I don't like they way she coaches me.
Kathleen says:
well - it is a bit tricky finding the perfect coach - I think we really need to talk to her daughter
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
She never tells me I'm doing well. She only tells me I'm doing badly. She embarasses me when I ask questions.
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
She never lets me know when anything is good, and I refuse to believe its because she thinks I have potential.
Kathleen says:
perhaps you have to be more honest with her about what it is that is not working - the communication should be open - she used to praise you for asking good questions
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
and even if she does think I have potential she shouldn't have to treat me any different.
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
Yeah well she doesn't anymore
Kathleen says:
Yes and no - she will treat you differently if she thinks you have potential - because that's what good coaches do - no matter what sport
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
yeah, but I don't respond very well when all she does is tell me negative things and when she embarasses me.
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
not all coaches coach that way. Shes making me hate every lesson I have with her beacuse I know that no matter what happens nothing is ever right.
Kathleen says:
It sounds to me like she struggles with making sure it doesn't look like she favours you in front of the other girls - perhaps if you had a private lesson with her she'd be different?
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
oh, thats not true at all
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
because she praises the other girls all the time
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
They seem to be improving, and I seem to just get worse
Kathleen says:
she definitely shouldn't embarrass you - but the praising the other girls is what I mean - she compensating so that they feel good at your expense
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
mom thats not true
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
not at all..they already think they are better then me with out her letting them know it
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
shes basically tells me every lesson that I'm the worst one there
Kathleen says:
Could you make a list of questions that you'd like to ask her? Perhaps she is unaware that she is being that mean?
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
MOM!
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
Shes not an Idiot
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
not*
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
omg.
Kathleen says:
Ask her than if she really thinks that you are the worst one there? Get her to admit it and then we see what we can do
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
You need to talk to her, not me
Kathleen says:
But - I need a list of questions from you - some information - some expectations that you have that are not being met - we need something to work from - that's positive other thatn just to tell her off and be neagative - we need constrctive criticism
Kathleen says:
we have no problem talking to her - how many lessons or times have being really bad - because as I recall every time ther's a bad session - she apologizes later
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
well she may give good advice, but I will not respond to someone who is constantly putting me down and making me feel inferior to people I've beaten. She makes me feel like I will never move up and shes making me hate to do the thing I like because apparently I'm terrible at it, I'm not improving, I don't try, and I ask stupid questions.
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
I don't care if she apologizes. Shes old enough to know what she should or should not say at them time she says it.
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
I'm not the kind of person to just ignore things that my riding coach tells me, and shes messing me up terribly if they aren't true or if she needs to apologize for them later, and that still doesn't take away the embarassement
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
Don't you understand? When someone is always putting you down its not very fun. Especially in front of those girls.
Kathleen says:
You are right - that's she should know better - but you may never find a coach that is sane
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
Thats true but I could find one that is fair.
Kathleen says:
Well - we definitely need to talk to her. We'll have to be prepared for the worst - I don't think we're in a position to move you again - you'll have to get through the year
Kathleen says:
You can do what grandma suggested and not take anymore lessons -
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
yeah, I might do that. I don't really want to have any lessons with her anyways
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
but we also have to consider that she is getting old anyways and if she is too stubborn to let Lorraine help her out then her barn is going to fall apart anyways
Kathleen says:
And although it is true that we should talk to her - it would be good if you could talk to Lorraine about this situation -to get some advice
Kathleen says:
you could broach it from the learning issue - Do riders learn better with praise or with criticism and put downs? You already probably know L's answer - so then you take the conversation from there and get into what is best for a rider - to leave a situation where they cannot learn anymore due to the negativity
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
but Mom, Lorraine isn't involved with the barn at all. She was for a little bit but her and Mrs.Laf kept contradicting each other and Mrs.Laf got mad and now Lorraine stays pretty much away..and no one can talk to her very easily cause if you call or go to the house you always get Mrs.Laf
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
and yes that is probably the way I would go about it, if I ever talk to Lorraine
Kathleen says:
Well - there's the key to the problem-this is the reason - Mrs Laf is so stressed - she has probably also - been told things by L. and it wouldn't surprise me if your name came up and she is taking some things out on you
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls
die to trust...] says:
oh well isn't that great
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
Kathleen says:
Anyway - in the mean time could you email me a list of things that would make her coaching acceptable to you ?
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
its impossible she dosen't like me
Kathleen says:
Just remember that everyone is human and no one is perfect - but you shouldn't continue to be coached by someone who is having a negative efefet on you
Kathleen says:
negative effect
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
yeah she makes me feel like I'm stupid.
Kathleen says:
Forget about whether she likes you or dislikes you - just write me a list
Kathleen says:
Unless she has been telling us lies all along - she has said some very favourable things to us about your riding -your ability - potential and keeness. So we could ask - what has happened and get her perspective to start with.
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
well If I only had private lessons it might be different cause at least she couldn't embarass me. I also would wish that she would tell me some good things I'm doing as well as the bad. I also would like her even if she thinks I'm really good to teach me things in a fun way, because to me riding is fun and when she teaches me she makes it almost dreadful.
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls
die to trust...] says:
Yeah, she tells you that. But never me.
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
I never have fun when I ride with her
Kathleen says:
Have you ever thought of asking her if she could praise you more - just tell her that you are sensitive - tell her that you'll be better and learn better - i think she is so old school she doesn;t know the value of praise - but maybe she's not to old to learn
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
that really wouldn't work
Kathleen says:
she may be a stubborn old codger - but she is smart - and maybe getting her to admit she's wrong about her methods would be a step in the right direction?
Kathleen says:
Why wouldn't it work - isn't it all about give and take?
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
I think thats why she doesn't like me, because I stand up for things I believe in and I am out going. She likes people that just stay quiet. Thats why she doesn't want Lorraine around because Lorraine teaches and uses more modern methods
Kathleen says:
Well - think that is the case too - but it doesn't mean that we can't try to make her see the light at the end of the tunnel
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
No mom, shes like what 76? Shes not going to change, and especially not for me.
Kathleen says:
hey - just changing the topic - we saw Richard in the northmart - Mr. Holmes - he said to make sure we gave you a great big hello the next time - we talked to you
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
ohh k
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
but I was also seriously thinking about getting out of eventing and just doing dressage and jumper
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls
die to trust...] says:
its alot easier to find good barns and coaches if you aren't doing eventing
Kathleen says:
I know she's old - but she may be worried about losing you - and if she's not then we go and find somewhere else,
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
and I'm not very good at eventing so I would probably go further
Kathleen says:
Yes- that is a thought - but what about Steele - is he a horse for dressage?
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
to a certain extent
Kathleen says:
Who said you're not good at eventing?
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
she did, she does! well at least she makes me feel that way
Kathleen says:
well - we could start looking at that aspect - are there barns near Ottawa?
Kathleen says:
I'd like to talk you out of leaving eventing - however
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
another aspect about Dressage is that I love it, I'm good at it, I can still jump if I want to
Kathleen says:
Hey Jenn just came up and put this photo - cool eh?
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls
die to trust...] says:
its also cheaper
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
yeah its nice
Kathleen says:
That's what Olivia did - only dressage - the girl who was at Checkmate
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
yeah, and it still doesn't mean that you can go and gallop cross country, or jump fences. It just means that I don't have to jump competitively if I don't want too
Kathleen says:
Well - it is something to think about - but you must talk to Lorraine about this - because she has seen enough of you to be able to give you good advice
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
yeah I think I could talk to Lorraine about that..I would just say that I love Dressage and I was thinking about doing only dressage
Kathleen says:
then that could lead into other discussions ....
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
I suppose
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
but I'll start looking on the net for good dressage barns
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
or jumper
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
hmm, can I ask you why you said I'd like to talk you out of leaving eventing? I'm just curious for your reasonings
Kathleen says:
Lorraine could help you find one too - just remember - we are not in a good position financially to be moving you around - I'd rather you just rode and didn't compete for a while.
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
well I won't be competing until the summer..but if I moved yeah I could probably take the summer off
Kathleen says:
- because I think there are a lot of jumper barns and they are worse because there are probably lots of bad instructors out there - even in dressage that could be so - just look at that judge
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
true but I know who some of the good ones are
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
I can also look at qualifications, accomplishments..ct
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
ect*
Kathleen says:
hey - that's anice picture of you - where was it taken ?
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls
die to trust...] says:
in jenns room
Kathleen says:
the one in Ottawa?
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
no
Kathleen says:
Oh - so you scanned it?
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
no shes sent it to me from her computer
Kathleen says:
Well - i have to go do some work soon - so let's leave it like this shall we - we'll try to have a conversation with Mrs. Laf and see what comes of it - you can continue to ride with no lessons and we'll take it from there little step - by little. It is a big problem to which there are no easy solutions - but you shouldn't stand by mutely when someone is putting you down- do you never respond to
Kathleen says:
her negativity with calm assertiveness?
Kathleen says:
or is it not possible at the time?
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
yeah I do it all the time
Kathleen says:
Does she perceive it as trouble making or does she acknowledge your comments?
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
It just makes her madder I think
Kathleen says:
Perhaps the problem is that you are embarrassing her.
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
no I'm not
Kathleen says:
Given her old school way of thinking - you have to see thngs from her perspective
Kathleen says:
how do you know that>?
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
I don't say anything to embarass her. I simply say yes, or I'll try
Kathleen says:
that's acquiessing - which is a good thing - but do you ever let her know that what she has said is a put down - have you ever told her how it makes you feel like a nothing?
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
and then sometimes she makes me want to cry in front of everyone and I don't want to look her in the eye and she yells at me because of it
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
no
Kathleen says:
I think she thinks you are tougher than you are - you should tell her that you are not tough - that you are sensitive.
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
I can't!
Kathleen says:
she may be interpreting your downcast eyes as brazeness - not hurt feelings
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
blah blah blah..no shes not! Shes just mean and cold hearted
Kathleen says:
Okay - don't get mad at me - I'm just trying to help. Did you agree on the steps we'll take to try to resolve this?
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
what were they?
Kathleen says:
that we'll talk to Mrs Laf - try to get a handle on the situation from her perspective - if she goes ahead saying everything is fine and the same - then we'll know she's out in left field - then you don't take any more lessons - just ride and we'll take little step by little step - we cannot make any huge plans just now - remember we are going to move there for you and until we're there we are
-> L i z * [Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust...] says:
yeah thats fine
Kathleen says:
unable to sort this out - you'll just have to deal with it.
Kathleen says:
okay - we love you and take care I'm signing offxoxoxoxox